Honesty

Honesty

This morning I decided to give myself permission to feel tired…to feel frustrated…to feel whatever I’m feeling.

Because of the nature of my journey to motherhood, I’d told myself that I could never feel negative emotions because isn’t this, a lovely healthy baby,  what I would have killed for last year? Stay upbeat, be grateful. That was my mantra.

Only that hasn’t worked out well. Or doable. The colic and early issues with the mother in law (long story) have had a cumulative impact on me that I need to try to stop suppressing.

I realised after a good cry this morning that to help resolve my problems I need to accept they exist and let myself feel the very normal emotions that I’d told myself I had no right to feel.

So yes, every now and then it does get on top of me. My baby is beautiful and I love her beyond words but yes, some days it is hard. When nothing will soothe her, or I can’t even find time to shower or eat a decent meal (me and Uncle Ben are firm friends now), then I feel not so bubbly. Not so overwhelmed with joy at my blessing.

All I know is that it will get easier. For now I’ll enjoy beyond words the happier moments like having her sleep in my lap, little hands clinging to me.  She won’t be this little for long. She’ll likely be demanding for life (ha) but that’s what I wanted. Ultimately that’s okay. We’ll all get better at dealing with it, learning as we go.

Advertisements
7 weeks later….

7 weeks later….

Wowsers. What day of the week is it?! It’s been an absolute whirlwind….I can’t even begin to describe the first month (big saga revolving around the mother in law….!). Bub has colic so I’ve been tested to my limits. The day she cried from 8pm to 4am was the lowlight! Despite it all, when she smiles it’s all forgotten. Until the next gremlin episode…ha.

Ultimately we’ll get through it, I’m told it’s temporary and will pass over the next month or so. I’ve wanted her for so long and one way or another we will get through this grumpy patch to the fun beyond 🙂

 

So close…

So close…

It’s been a crazy week. A bit of spotting (argh, how I hated seeing that fresh red blood for the first time since last year) meant I had to go back to hospital and although it stopped right away, they kept me in for 24hrs just to observe….and to give me wonderful steroid injections in my bum just in case they needed to get bub out before I hit 39 weeks (we’re now 39+2).

Thankfully all was fine. I’m ready for the op now though. I was talking to a friend, yesterday, about how the paranoia of the first trimester starts to creep back in towards the end. We’re so close now. 24 hours. I admit to poking the bub awake occasionally in the mornings (that’s what I’ve just been doing) to make sure she or he is still okay.

While I was in, another consultant decided to have a poke around before admitting me and although I humoured her comments at the time (it was past midnight when she saw me and I was very tired), I’m really irritated now. She was astonished at not being able to feel up to my cervix etc etc and I felt like the Elephant Man. A freak show. She asked if I could share the notes from my op of a few years ago (where I had the transverse septum excised) as she’d never come across such a case before.  Only in the days after did it dawn on me how much of an anomaly it made me feel and now I’m worried about what the future will bring – what the hell has happened to my insides?! I had a thorough internal exam last summer and all seemed okay so I can only assume the weight of the pregnancy has squished things? Maybe?!  I have no idea!

Anyway (!) I need to concentrate on the here and now. We’ll cross the next bridge in due course. Bub has done a few shuffles so I’m sort of satisfied that they’re alright in there and I can try to get back to sleep. 🙂

All change!

All change!

Wow. Things really do turn quickly, don’t they?! My mind is finally calm after a whirlwind of a day, yesterday.

What I thought would be a fairly routine appointment with the consultant about whether or not to induce me at or before term (apparently the preferred option for us older mums), ended with a physical examination and the decision that I shouldn’t risk a vaginal delivery and would need an elective c-section.

Blaaaady hell.

Not that I’m at all bothered about ops etc, but it did send my head into a spin. You think you’re heading in a particular direction and then you suddenly have to readjust.  I’m also feeling sadder than I thought I would be about it..I have a sense of letting the bub down somehow, that he or she  won’t benefit from the positives of a vaginal birth. But I know it’s the best option under the circumstances, my anatomy is such that I’ll probably struggle through a long labour with very likely an emergency section at the end.

What has annoyed me is that I asked about these complications at my last appointment at Whipps Cross (before I transferred to Darent Valley, nearer my new home). I asked the consultant there about whether the gynaecological surgery I had a few years ago would affect how I gave birth and even after an internal exam was told no, all would be fine. Thank goodness yesterday’s senior consultant (very old school but despite being somewhat of a character, very experienced) had a good poke around and said he couldn’t even reach through to feel baby’s head because of where the septum had been located and subsequent narrowing of the walls.  The other consultant must have assumed that the narrow section of canal was the entrance to the womb or something…Lord knows!

Ultimately though I’m incredibly excited about meeting bub next week and relieved that I’ve avoided an unnecessarily traumatic and long labour. I’ll have to make my peace with not having the birth I was planning to. The main thing is bub arrives safe and sound 🙂

The world….

The world….

Another terror attack and I start to wonder what sort of world the upcoming generations will grow up in. For the first time, last night, I pondered whether to start looking for a job outside of London. But that would be giving in, no? Or sensible? Insert sigh here….a thousand thoughts whirling around in my head.

Pregnancy continues well. We hit 33 weeks yesterday. I finally let myself buy baby things the week prior. I’d reached that point where you realise you need to get practical in case bub comes early. It’s funny how one worry gets replaced by another (now I’m just praying bub stays well in these last weeks and is delivered safely). But overall I feel calm and am thinking positively.  People at work have commented that I seem to be breezing through but as I was saying to my manager (going through fertility issues of her own), when you’ve experienced loss and/or a tough journey then the pregnancy symptoms really aren’t so bad. At least in my case, apart from the shaky first trimester, it’s been fine – I can cope with the niggles and aches without much complaint because I remember this time last year, wanting to feel them more than anything. The awareness of how fortunate I am really does affect how I perceive the journey of pregnancy. I have no complaints at all and for that I feel incredibly lucky. May the good times continue through until bub arrives…then it’s a whole lifetime of adventures ahead! 🙂

…and relax

…and relax

Well, sort of.

My dad’s younger brother passed away in India just over a week ago. It meant dad had to fly out and I was mum’s carer until his return. I’ve always known that he does the most amazing job in looking after her. Up until now I’ve never been the sole carer for longer than 24 hours. My God, it was an eye-opener. Bless her, mum barely said a word all week – she knew he’d gone and I was alone so I’m sure that’s why. It was an emotional week. I was completely aware of my shortcomings as her carer and boy did it make for a tough time. Mostly feelings of guilt. What I didn’t need was the weekend care assistant essentially telling me off about it. Grrr!

Anyhoo, we both survived (!) and I’ve handed the reigns back to dad. Now I’m back to my usual status of just praying that he stays healthy. He’ll be 70 this year and this was so not how anyone envisaged their retirement years would pass. But that is as they say, life. In all its raw, unfair glory.

In lighter news, the anomaly scan was all clear and I continue my journey, feeling incredibly blessed and just wishing so many others the same xxx